i am at my wit's end

to my husband,

looking back in my email history, i can see that i have sent you two dozen links over the last couple of years that i found important to share with you regarding insights into our marriage. i never got an email response to any one of these messages - i think we both know i never got *any* type of response to them - and that made them so easy to identify as i was putting together a folder in my inbox specifically for these types of emails. i want to have them handy so we can go through them together, as you've made it quite clear that you will not be doing any independent study. i read and i research and i think and i try and nothing's changing with us. i'm left at the end of every single day with just one question;

why in the fuck do i have to do to get you to participate in this relationship?

i don't know why you seem to think that the moment we said "i do" that we were guaranteed to be as happy and compatible for the rest of our lives as we were that day. i don't see you doing a single thing to enhance our happiness. i don't see you doing a single thing to ensure me that you're not going anywhere. i don't see you doing a single thing.

well, you did something one time. you told me with the kind of ignorant certainty only a man could have that i am severely depressed. you told me that in the middle of an argument, and told me you think i've been that way for, and i quote, YEARS NOW. you have yet to apologize for saying something so cruel and uniformed and out of line, despite my many requests that you do just that. i'm going to leave that topic alone for now because it's so incredibly hurtful to me and i don't know if i can ever forgive you. so i'll have to come back to that another day.

if you only knew the pretzels i twist myself into emotionally and mentally for you. how one day i'm sure i just need to lean all the way in and the next i physically cannot give you any more than i already have. i'm just throwing everything i can think of at the wall, waiting for something to stick, and nothing has yet. you don't feel any different to me when i love you fiercely than you do when i treat you coolly and keep you at a distance. nothing changes for you. honey, are you stupid?

i work hard for this, and you don't do a goddamn thing. and i'm just so tired. and the thing is, babe, you know all of this. i tell you all the time that i need you to be present and you assure me you will and then you don't do anything. you don't. do. ANYTHING. and i don't understand how you can look at me when i'm crying and insist that you are happy. honey, are you fucking stupid?

i'm so close to giving up and that makes me so sad, babe. sadder still that you don't seem to care. you might say you do but i give you every ounce of me and you give me nothing and you know that. so what are we doing? i'm torturing myself for you and you won't even change the look on your face.

i'm not threatening you with leaving because i think it'll wake you up. i'm not threatening you at all. i'm flat-out telling you, Scott, that i'm already half-way out the door, and either haven't noticed or you don't care. neither scenario is okay with me.

i can be lonely all by myself. and i'd be more financially secure without you. so maybe it's time.

be the change

i don't know what's going to happen.

but i won't let this go without a fight.

we'll see if he shows up.

i can't just be angry all the time anymore, though.

i can't be the only person feeling something.

i won't harden my heart, but i will not soften it any further.

time to... well... it's time to shit or get off the pot.

at what point

am i just going to have to say out loud that my mother-in-law appears to be truly hateful?

man, the shit she is posting on Facebook is not only untrue, it is vicious. i actually laughed out loud the other day at one of her posts calling for unity in this time. HA! after meme upon meme about how many protesters were available for Donald Trump's inauguration because the people who voted for him have jobs, about women marching for the right to kill their children, about Madonna being a whore. like JESUS CHRIST, KAREN. this woman goes to church every weeks and prays her fingers to the bone but she will start some shit online. i'm under the impression that if you are not a kind person on the internet, you are just not a kind person. so i guess i'm seeing this woman for who she is.

makes me wonder what type of things my husband would post online if he were that type. would i find him cruel, too?

nobody said it was easy

went to bed November 8th a democrat

woke up November 9th an activist

i'm on a one-way trip to intersectional feminism, holding this administration accountable, and staying WOKE AF.

i will not be derailed.

i will, however, to occasional self-care breaks for puppy dog videos and reality television.

pro life is a bullshit name for y'all

if you are "pro-life" :
can you say Black Lives Matter?
where do you stand on Syrian refugees in this country?
and the IVF samples that aren't used?
what's your position on the state of the foster care system?
how do you feel about Plan B?
are masturbatory emissions pre-pregnancy abortion, y or n?
do you support subsidized heathcare?
... or paid family leave upgrades?
... or child care?

seriously just whose fucking life are you "pro?"

does he ever doubt himself like this?

does he ever wonder if he's crazy?
does he ever feel like he'll never make me understand, no matter how hard he tries?
does he ever just want me to disappear?
does he ever question his own emotions?
does he ever know that something is wrong but not be able to pinpoint it?
does he think like me and just hide it better?

or am i right to doubt myself like this?

i'm fucking doing it

started the process today on either running for office or helping someone better equipped than i am to run for office. fuck this shit. 1/20/17 - mark it. this is the day i don't give a fuck how anyone else perceives my activism and my choices and my politics. i'm writing it down right now. i would rather be a single, old, childless woman who did the right thing than allow my whiteness to soothe me in the face of actual fucking fascism. YES WE CAN. and

i

fucking

will.