okay, so, feminism

this is a huge topic for me and this for sure won't be the only time i write about it. i have so much to say, and i don't feel like anyone besides me gives a shit about my thoughts. but, online diary, you don't have a choice so here goes. there are so many people in this world who are SO QUICK to get defensive and take personally the slightest suggestion that life isn't as fair for others as it might be for said people. bring up white privilege and so many people clutch their pearls - what about BET? there wouldn't be a White Entertainment Television! what about black history month? can you imagine if the roles were reversed? you and i know, blog, why these are stupid questions and so we don't have to talk about them. i'm merely bringing them up because it's the same way with feminism. instead of striving to understand one another, men put women down and are openly misogynistic. women reject feminism as a bunch of hairy-legged liberals and internalize misogyny. white women refuse to hear that black, Latina, queer, trans women don't get the warm and fuzzies from us like we are sure they do. no one wants to hear each other. we're all just waiting to talk. i know this because i do the same thing. when it comes to US vs. THEM i'm not always patient. i'm not always as open-minded as i'd like to be. and, truthfully, when it comes to feminism - an belief system around which i have built my entire adult life - my first thoughts about someone else's input aren't always rational or fair or helpful. that being said, when it comes to feminism, i am *much* better at waiting to respond. i'm so much better at recognizing that my first thoughts don't always and sometimes shouldn't represent my position. and so i'm careful. and i listen and i hear and i learn. i want so badly to be recognized as a hashtag not all white women type of woman, but that's gross. it's just a symptom of my need to be validated, and that extends to every part of my life. so i can quiet it but it's still there. but even though i think i feel a deeper understanding of intersectional feminism than maybe other white women do, what i do with that? i don't know any black women very well. i don't know any Latina women very well. i don't know any trans women. and i only know a couple of lesbians, and not that well at all. and the women i do know in those categories either don't count themselves as feminists or i have been too busy (i guess?) to ask them about it. so how i can claim intersectionality if it's just me and my white feminist friends?

............

welp, i could've saved myself a lot of time. i just googled "feminist groups in my area" and it looks like there are some like-minded ladies around here. i just requested membership to my local NOW chapter and their next meeting is on 2/04. time to get to work. more incoherent thoughts on this vast and beautiful topic another day, i'm sure.

where the fuck have i been?

a white, middle-class girl doesn't have to spend her whole life educating herself on the way the world works, because her world works just fine. but i woke up, and now i know so much and i'm learning so much more. i'm embarrassed by how much time i wasted not knowing, not actively trying to know more. i won't let my kids get away with this.

stunted

i feel frozen in inaction most of the time. i have a job that i barely do and no one really notices me barely doing it, although i've probably just jinxed it. so what i do instead is a 50/50 split : 50% of my time i'm watching netflix and the other 50% i'm in an internet k-hole learning about the financial crisis of 2008 and the history of anti-Catholicism in the U.S. and intersectional feminism. i fancy myself a critical thinker and i'm trying to jam so much shit into my brain - if i'm being honest i'm doing this so that my husband can't shut down every argument i make. so since we're being honest am i really happy in my marriage or am i just frozen in inaction?

sometimes i write so i don't fucking scream.

scott had the day off. awesome. i wish i did, especially since it was raining when i left today and he was cuddled on the couch with the dogs. it was tough to leave because they all looked so cute and comfy. i should be accustomed to scott not doing fucking anything around this house unless i specifically ask him to but, amazingly, i let myself be surprised every time it happens. i come home after stopping at two different places to get the beer he wants (not with cash, like we promised we would shop) (plus he knows good and well i'm not drinking right now so why the fuck would i need to get the beer) and come home to a house with no fucking lights on, the tv on Fox "news" channel (like it always is - i swear to god it's propaganda and scott eats it up), and his shop looks really clean.... meanwhile everything he hasn't thrown out is now crowded in the garage (THAT IS NOT CLEANING, SCOTT, THAT IS JUST MOVING THINGS) and, lo and goddamn behold, he has only done one thing in my house today and that's load the dishwasher. a four second chore... i will not say thank you for that even though i am actively practicing gratitude right now. the kitchen counter is a mess and it took me less than one full minute to straighten it. i don't care if he doesn't care if the house is straightened up. i care so sometimes he needs to fucking care. i'm not pleased to be so worked up about what amounts to nothing but here i am anyway. at least i'm writing instead of yelling or sulking; both tactics are classic melissa  and neither is fair nor compelling. he doesn't see this and maybe i shouldn't either but sometimes when things like this happen i think he must not give a shit about me at all. he knew i was on my way home - i texted him as much. and he knew i was going out of my way to do a favor for him on my way home. call me crazy, but shouldn't he have been ready for me to get here? like do what you want all day - it's your fucking day - but when you know that in 25-35 minutes i'll be here turn on the motherfucking lights. straighten up the fucking kitchen counter. make a plan for all the shit you just put in the garage. have the dogs out and peed already. WHY. DO. I. HAVE. TO. DO. ANYTHING. THE. MOMENT. I. GET. HERE. WHEN. YOU'VE. BEEN. HOME. ALL. GODDAMN. DAY. i'm sure i'll come back to read this and be very embarrassed.

should i stay or should i go

Donald Trump will be inaugurated as our 45th president this week. i have so many thoughts about it but none that prompt description at the moment. my prevailing thought now is about the Women's March the day after the inauguration. The march in D.C. is going to be enormous - probably bigger than the inauguration celebration. there's a march here, in Beaumont, and i'm struggling. i want to go, and i don't want to go. i know scott won't go. i don't know who else is going. it's an incredibly adolescent concern - who's going to be there? - but i'm concerned anyway. i read somewhere recently that, if one wonders if they'd have participated in the civil rights movement in the 60s, they only need to look at their participation in the civil rights movement of today. am i a coward? should i go? how much does this mean to me? am i taking the easy way out if i don't help stand up for others? i am all talk? will i regret it if i don't go? i need to think.

the ides of january

this is a diary without a lock. at my healthiest, mentally, i write routinely. i dropped that habit years ago and have found myself shouting what i ought to be writing down. so here we go. my new year's resolution is to remember that this outlet is available and to use it regularly. i have too much to say at the moment; nothing is an emergency and i don't want to pick a fight internally in order to write so i'll leave it at this for now. 2017 will finally be the year i make choices keeping the long run in mind rather than choosing instant gratification.